Not It!
by ChaliceInnana
Summary: Restless night. Based on actual events
1. I'm It

_I own nothing. Except the idea that Amy and Raj are heading for a sassy make-over montage of extreme fabulousness. All else belongs to Chuck Lorre, Bill Pardy and their associated minions._

**You're It**

"Not it!" Penny and Bernadette screeched in unison. Amy's eyes went wide.

She was it.

She had to be Raj's date for the Astrophysics dinner whatever…

"Is there an appeals process?" Amy asked Sheldon.

"Raj, you are not commandeering Amy. Find your own date." Sheldon stated, a slight redness visible on the top of his ears.

The astrophysicist ignored him. "Amy, please. I promise you'll have fun. I am getting a whole beauty thing done that day in Beverly Hills you can come with me and I'll buy you a dress." Raj tempted, "Don't make me sit alone!"

"All right. I'll go."

Sheldon frowned, "You can't."

"Why? Bernadette or Penny would be expected to go it if they hadn't won at "not it". It isn't a big deal and Raj has been threatening to take me to his spa for a while now. It isn't a date. It is a combination of threat fulfillment and community service."

"It is a violation of the relationship agreement."

"That depends entirely on your reading of the document. I believe this occurrence falls under the section "sparing Sheldon annoyances within the social group." That section states that I am required to make every effort to ensure that you don't have to listen to the bleating of sheep on nonsensical issues." She turned to Raj, "If I am not mistaken, if I don't do this for Raj…"

"I am going to follow Sheldon around bleating my damn head off." Raj smiled evilly, sipping his beer.

"Fine." Sheldon said, trying to project a calm he didn't feel. "but you ladies need to buckle down and find Raj an acceptable girlfriend."

"No argument from me, dude. Part of the reason I keep doing in this is in the hope they get sick of me. And find me a lady."

"We have our parameters. But it is hard work finding a wealthy, nubile, Indian woman living in greater Los Angeles with crippling mental illness, an advanced degree and that certain level of intense desperation..." Amy stated, "The pool of candidates is smaller than you'd think."

Shopping with Raj was fun. He was rich. After a couple of drinks, he was an amusing conversationalist. And he had great taste.

"Raj, Penny and Bernadette have tried to give me make overs, nothing works." Amy sighed.

"They can't dress a woman like you. With all due respect, you are a successful scientist, Bernadette needs to dress more like you if she wants to get ahead in her career. She is tiny, she sounds like the girl singer from Alvin and the Chipmunks. A stout pair of loafers and a scowl might be her best friend. And Penny relies only on her good looks. If you look at the way she dresses, her choices? If she wasn't attractive, it would be absolutely appalling. She buys things on sale without trying them on and I must presume she gets dressed in the dark. A lot." Raj was in brutally honest mode. "You dress like in the manner you do because it tells the world you are serious as a heart attack. And for business, brava. But we need to also show off the fabulous babe that lurks within, at least on evenings and weekends. We can certainly tweak your professional image a little. But on your own time…you need to be a little softer looking, you have pretty hair and eyes, your complexion is lovely, we can accentuate that." He pointed to the dressing room, where the selections loomed. "We begin."

The beauty appointment was also the scene of tough love. "You must throw out the flat iron." Raj stated.

"I can't, the humidity… It will frizz up like a clown wig." Amy warned grasping her straight locks with a panicked expression.

"Not with this length," the stylist noted, "We'll give you some layers. For your facial shape, you should consider a pony tail for day to day wear."

"I've had bad experiences with pony tails. I work with primates."

"Tuck it down the back of your shirt." The stylist over ruled her, without sympathy, "Also we'll get you some product to tame the frizz."

By the time, she left the spa, Amy felt like she'd finally been given advice she could use. As she dressed for the night, with her stylist and her makeup artist dancing in attendance, saying things like, "Fierce!" she felt pretty, light, pampered. Young. And rich. And like she was about to fight in the Hunger Games…

Her dress was modest. And it was something she could wear again. It was a spring green worsted wool, with ¾ sleeves. It showed off her waist and what Raj and her styling team called her "Rocking Ass". The makeup was subtle. She still looked like herself, but a version of herself that had, at long last, gotten enough sleep.

Raj looked at her with approval, "We need to tweet this." He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of her. Amy smiled tolerantly. "Let's go."

The tweet accompanying the pic was, "Sheldon, she is mine now…. Bwhahaha."

The dinner had been better than either party had anticipated. Raj learned what Leonard, Penny and Bernadette had told him to be true. One on one, Amy was a hoot. She liked to dance, she was open to Karaoke and she didn't pout. Now she looked very pretty to boot. Raj considered falling in love with her, but Bernadette and Penny had laid down the law, on that issue. "She is your friend's girlfriend. You may not love her nor profess to love her. This one time… Raj, do not make it weird!"

Fine, he wouldn't make it weird. But that didn't stop him from texting Sheldon pictures of himself with Amy with captions such as, "The future Rani to my Raja," and "Smokin'!" And then a series of pictures each captioned with one line from the love theme from "Footloose."

Raj had promised not to make things weird with Amy. He had not promised not to torture Sheldon.

Sheldon sat on Amy's couch, having a low grade panic attack He'd broken into her apartment to await her return. The never ending series of texts depicting a tarted up Amy having an increasingly better and better time with exponentially more smug Rajesh… He stood up when he heard voices outside the door.

"Thank you for spending so much money on me." Amy said, as they arrived at the door. "It led to quite a lovely evening."

"It was nothing," Raj waved off her thanks. "I enjoyed myself."

Knock knock knock "Amy"; Knock knock knock "Amy"; Knock knock knock "Amy"; the door opened, "Let's wrap it up out there." Frowning, Amy sighed, "Night Raj." and entered her apartment.

She turned around and faced her boyfriend, frown fully intact, "You broke into my apartment. Again." She stated. "Sheldon, I have so few rules… Can you at pretend you care about them or at least act like you know what they are?"

"It is past midnight." Sheldon ignored her, folding his arms over his chest.

"It isn't a school night, Ma." Amy sat down on the couch.

Sheldon sat next to her. A little closer than usual. "Raj kept texting pictures of you to me." He paused. Took a deep breath and kissed her.

The kiss was chaste yet tense. Amy responded for five seconds before pushing him back with a frown. "No."

"No?" he looked frightened.

"Not like this." She said, firmly, "You don't want to. So not like this."

"How do you know I don't want to?" now he sounded annoyed. He actually had wanted to kiss her. He certainly didn't want anyone else to kiss her.

"You are only kissing me because you are angry at Raj. Anger made you anxious and fearful. I don't want that. It is negative." She slid away from him, "I only want you to kiss me if it will make you happy."

"You sound like a hippy."

"Not at all. I don't want to cheat to get what I want. You are annoyed that I had fun with Raj? Sorry, pal, deal with it. It wasn't romantic. It was like an episode of What Not to Wear, but Raj didn't make me cry." She leaned her head on the back of the couch and frowned, "have you noticed anything about my experiments?"

"Yes, they are distracting."

"But do you enjoy them? Are they fun?" she asked.

"Yes."

"So kiss me when we are having fun." She smiled, getting up off the couch and pointing at the door. "Now get out of my apartment."

"It is one in the morning!" Sheldon got to his feet, "you have to drive me."

"No, I do not. I didn't invite you here." She folded her arms over her chest. "Call a cab."

"At this time of the morning?" Sheldon looked confused. "Let me stay here."

"Nope." Amy held her ground. "The last time you slept on my sofa, all you did was bitch for the next week. "Good Lord, woman, did you stuff it with rocks just for me?""

Sheldon stared at her for a second. He looked at his shoes. "I could stay in your room." He looked shocked at the suggestion as it left his lips, then clarified, "No funny business."

"I have refused to kiss you, what makes you think that either funny business or co-sleeping is on the table?" This was starting to get interesting. She had to get him smiling. "I have a counter proposal."

"I'm listening," Sheldon's head was spinning from being rejected on the kissing front and having her scoff at the mention of funny business and the implication of platonic sleeping.

"Slumber party."

"Define."

Amy pointed to the kitchen, "We watch a movie, eat crap, I sleep on the couch and you take my sleeping bag on the floor."

"No funny business."

"Define funny business." Amy commanded. She normally didn't embark on topics with no other purpose than to make his head explode, but he seemed fixated on funny business.

His face went beet red. He didn't answer.

"Sheldon, there is no clause in the relationship agreement referring to or defining funny business. If you wish me to refrain from said business or, alternatively, to prevent you from initiating the same, I need context. For example, if put on my Marvin the Martian sleep shirt or recommend that we watch Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network…."

"Actually, both those things sound acceptable. Do you still have my overnight bag?" Sheldon wanted to end this line of questioning.

"Of course. I will change first while you begin planning our junk food strategy." Amy turned and went to her room, purposefully leaving the door a jar. Actually, she had been saving the Marvin sleep shirt for a serious seduction event, but now she was disappointed to use it for this… Sheldon seemed quite vulnerable. If she had wanted to push it, she might have been able to initiate coitus. When that became the main goal all she would have to do was walk out of there in her Starfleet uniform and no tights, she could close that deal. But it was more important to stick to the protocols and the guiding principle of the experiment.

Whatever else, she must act with consideration to his emotional safety and with kindness. Any physical act would ideally be initiated by him in a moment of happiness not stress. So she would endeavor to make the rest of the evening fun. Also, the cruel shapewear beneath her dress had undoubtedly bruised the beejesus out of her.

Sheldon felt disappointed. For the past weeks, he had begun to consider expanding his physical relationship with Amy. If he wanted her to remain as his girlfriend, which he did, he didn't know if he could avoid it much longer. He had spent most of the time between breaking in and her arriving home, trying to think his way out of having to kiss her, but he'd been unable to do so. He had worked himself up to do it. He had set up the parameters in his mind, no groping, light tongue, kiss duration 30 seconds. The only parameter that had been met was no groping and that had been the parameter he was prepared to negotiate. Now he felt what Amy described as twitchy.

There was only one conclusion, before sleep happened, he was going to get 25 seconds more of kissing with tongue action out of that vixen.

Her bedroom door was open. For some reason this irritated him. A bedroom should be more separated from the living area. Even though she lived alone, there should be no way for a visitor to stand at her ever so slightly ajar bedroom door and see the light from her bathroom shining on her velvety bedspread and ridiculous wealth of coordinating decorative pillows.

Also, her bathroom had two entrances. Sheldon knew this was California, but there should still design concept. This apartment's designer clearly had a weak bladder and no sense of propriety.

As soon as there was an opening in his building, her application was going in. If for no other reason, that he should have some way to storm over to her house, say his peace and get home without having to beg for a ride or risk life and limb, not to mention seething cauldron of contamination, in the back of a taxi cab.

"Holy God!" he heard Amy cry out. "Oh, yeah!"

"What?" Sheldon cried back, startled.

She laughed, "Just divesting myself of the Spanx!" He heard her sigh, then start talking in a louder, gayer voice, ""Girl! Your ass is amazing. Let's imprison it in industrial grade spandex!" The beauty process is so counter intuitive." She lamented.

"Are you drunk?" Sheldon frowned, leaning against the door jamb, "Because that will inform the herbal tea choices."

Amy appeared wearing the aforementioned Marvin The Martian sleep shirt. It was the same green as the dress she had been wearing, but more modestly cut around the body and much shorter. "Bathroom is yours." She smiled walking past him into the kitchen. The nightie came down to her mid-thigh, Sheldon noticed. And when she reached for the glasses on the top shelf…

White panties.

He fled into the bathroom, closing and locking both the bedroom door and the bathroom door behind him, pausing only to grab the duffle bag marked "Emergency" from her closet. Sheldon panted shallowly, trying to find something to comfort him.

Amy's bathroom was very tidy. He knew she replaced her towels and bathroom rugs quarterly. Her shower curtain lacked he whimsy of the periodic table, instead being a plain white. Clean and white. Like her panties.

Oh, yeah. This would be fun.

When he finally emerged after a bracing shower where he purposefully relieved taking Howard's mother dress shopping over and over again, he found her setting snacks on the coffee table. She looked up at him and smiled, "Nightly ablutions satisfactorily completed?" she inquired. He pressed his lips together and nodded, sitting primly across from her on the sofa. Amy pushed past his sudden silence, "Please help yourself to snacks. The beverage of choice tonight will be Yoohoo, with the possibility of root beer floats later…"

Sheldon grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into his lap.

He kissed her from 25 seconds. With light to moderate tongue.

When he released her, she returned to her seat with wide eyes. "I had to." He explained, "I'd been planning to kiss you for 30 seconds so I had to."

"Oh." Amy nodded.

"Now I can enjoy the slumber party."

"I see." The glassy eyed nodding continued as she handed him his glass of delicious, beckoning YooHoo. "You were planning on kissing me? How long were you planning to kiss me?"

"I had been thinking on it a while, I only decided to proceed this evening when I got the picture text with the associated lyric "I feared my heart would beat in secrecy…" seeing Amy look confused, he clarified, "Raj sent me a series of picture texts, each captioned with a line from the love theme from Footloose."

Amy chuckled, "that rascal. Which picture was it?"

"The one where he licked the salt off your margarita glass." Sheldon said suddenly feeling twitchy.

"What? Gross! When?" He felt gratified by her look of sudden disgust. "That's it. Consider me in a perpetual state of "NOT IT!" with regards to mercy dates."

Sheldon smiled, grabbing his messenger bag. He handed her a legal document, "I've written an amendment to that effect. I've also notified Leonard that the roommate agreement should be amended to protect our female compatriots from being compelled to serve as a platonic, unpaid escort service for the unattached dregs of the subcontinent."

"To be fair, he did spend almost 3000 dollars on me today. Any decent escort would have let him lick something besides her margarita glass." Amy took a sip of her YooHoo.

Sheldon picked up his phone and clicked a picture of his sleep shirt clad girlfriend as she clicked on Adult Swim without her knowing it. Swiftly, he texted it to Raj. "MINE!"

_A/N: Still on vacation. This little plot bunny wanted to go for a run though._


	2. 3001

Normal disclaimers plus I did not write any of these songs. This is** not** a song fic!

**3001**

"Oh, Lord. Not King of the Hill. It is like going to a family reunion," Sheldon groused. They had just finished back to back Family Guy's and were not in the mood for more. "There must be a documentary on somewhere."

"That is against the slumber party code, but I am done with Adult Swim. I wanted to watch an evil genius baby all night, I'd just give birth." Amy admitted. "But I don't like our odds of finding a documentary, unless you are into child beauty pageants, hoarders or Amish kids smoking crack. Or outlaw biker fisherman/pawn shop owners."

"It is 3:30am, when does the slumber party code indicate we can sleep?" Sheldon inquired.

"Oh, anytime, I was just seeing how long it would take you to ask." Amy yawned. "We could tell scary stories…"

"How did Raj spend 3000 dollars on you in one afternoon?" He asked abruptly.

Amy's mouth opened, then closed. "I have no idea." She said finally. "He just kept spending, then I asked him how much he'd spent and he told me around 3000… By then the damage was done."

"You have to pay him back."

"Why?"

"Because you are my girlfriend."

"Is this a territorial issue?" Amy asked.

"It could be defined as such." Sheldon acknowledged.

"Aha, then you have to pay him back not me." She smiled pushing him off the sofa, "Since I am only an object in this contest of manliness, I am going to let you deal with it, big guy."

"I didn't get anything out of it." Sheldon said.

"All Raj got was the pleasure of my company and the salt off of my margarita glass… A margarita that he paid for, I might add." She pulled her blanket it over her bare legs and up to her chest. "Wow, me and my virtue are making out like bandits! The way I see it, you either give Raj 3000 dollars, spend 3001 dollars on me to reestablish dominance or just let it go, happy in the knowledge that you got 30 seconds worth of kissing for gratis."

"What does 3001 dollars buy me?" Sheldon asked as Amy turned off the light on the side table. She was grateful he couldn't see the shocked look on her face.

"Well, nothing you couldn't get for free, actually." She admitted.

"We'll do that one." He said with finality. "Now sleep." He ordered.

Amy doubted that was going to happen.

The next day Sheldon called a lunch summit with Howard, Leonard, Penny, Bernadette and Wil Wheaton. The topic, how to buy a woman's affections when you already have them.

"God, Moonpie, you sure like to do things bass ackwards." Penny sighed. Amy had told her everything right after she dropped Sheldon off at home.

"Is it because she went out with Raj last night?" Bernadette asked. Frowning, Sheldon handed her his phone. She scanned the picture texts before snorting, "God, he's an ass!" then she threw her hands up, "now I have the Love Theme from Footloose in my head."

Wil looked up, and started singing "On the wings of love, up and above the clouds the only way to fly…"

"That is the love theme from Officer and a Gentleman." Leonard said confidently. "My mother had a thing for Richard Gere."

"Which was from Footloose?" Wil asked.

"Does this matter," Sheldon asked edgily.

"Yeah, because I know this, and if I can't remember it, I will go insane and take all of your with me." Wil stated.

Penny tapped her foot, singing flatly, "Oh, my darling, I've hungered for your touch… a long lonely night…"

"Ghost!" Howard said, before she got too far into it. "Got it! Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight… blah blah; And even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star…"

Bernadette shook her head, "That was that mouse movie. Cartoon…"

"Two hearts," Leonard sang, "Two hearts that beat as one, our lives have just begun… shoe be do… I know I've found in you… My Endless love!"

"I am pretty sure that is the love theme from Endless Love. Duh." Wil snarked, "And you butchered it."

"FINE!" Sheldon got to his feet, "I thought that dreams belonged to other men, cuz each time I got close they'd fall apart again. I feared my heart would beat in secrecy…" He sang until he saw them all snickering, "What?"

"I just wanted to see if we could get you to sing it…" Wil smiled, indicating he should sit. "Down to business… What about jewelry?"

"He can't," Penny smiled, "After their first fight, he bought her a tiara. He has no place to go but down."

"Seriously?" Wil looked around at the group, before zooming back in on Sheldon. "Dude, a tiara shouldn't even come into it. Unless you are a duke or have some sick Miss America sex thing that you dig…" he shook the vision out of his head, "I am just saying, leave yourself somewhere to go. But Penny's right. Clearly Jewelry isn't going to cut it."

"I was thinking about having her car serviced." Sheldon stated.

"Oh, God, is there any chance you mean that in the dirty way?" Bernadette asked, leaning her head on her hand. He stared blankly, "Didn't think so. Proceed."

"No. That is a thoughtful gesture! She is due to have her transmission flushed…" Sheldon argued. "Then I can get her tires rotated, then just tune up everything under her chassis."

"Rrrr," Howard growled softly to his wife, "need a tune up under your chassis?"

Bernadette wrinkled her nose, "I don't know what that means." Then she winked, "But if you want to flush my transmission… tonight might be your lucky night."

"Listen, Sheldon," Leonard spoke up. "Does Amy even want you to do this? Spend thousands of dollars on her?"

"Well, after she refused to pay Raj back the money he so freely spent on her… She gave me three options, pay Raj myself, spend 3001 dollars on her myself or let it go." Sheldon informed them. "I'd rather spend the money on Amy then give it to Raj and there is no way in hell I am letting this go." He frowned deeply. "Now help me spend this money!"

"You could buy her a kick ass computer." Howard offered.

"She just upgraded on her own. She is in the Matrix." Sheldon shook his head, "Anything like that, she'll buy herself. She is a complete gadgeteer." He smiled fondly. "Of course, she also handles her own car maintenance…"

"What about a trip?" Bernadette asked.

"Where?"

She shrugged, "some place romantic."

"Does it have to be romantic?" Sheldon asked, hopefully.

"Yeah." Howard nodded, "It does. Raj was waxing romantic about what a fun date Amy is. You know him, that is one step from buying her a Sari, hauling her to New Delhi and making it official."

"Howard, Wil, Penny, thank you for your service, you are dismissed," Sheldon announced, "Bernadette and Leonard, you will remain."

"Aw," Bernadette sighed, regretfully, "I was hoping to get my tranny flushed."

Sheldon released them with thanks 2 hours later after a heated debate followed by reservations being made. Then he composed an email to Amy.

Re: Operation 3001

_**Amy,**_

_**In regards to our conversation of last night… I shall fulfill my obligation by taking you on 4 day train trip from Chicago to San Francisco on the famed Snow Zephyr run. It will include spending Chirstmas Eve in in Chicago and one night in SF at the end of the trip.**_

_**This will fulfill both my "3001" obligation and "Christmas".**_

_**Cooper Out**_

_A/N: Okay, no plot on this one. None: I should change the name to no Plot._


	3. Infinite Love Play List

I own nothing. Hail Bill, Chuck and Warner's.

_A/N: As promised, this isn't really a plot intensive story. There will be smut in the next chapter. But this was just a little plot Bunny that came to me and demanded to be written… I love it when Amy interacts with everyone in the group… Here is Howard's Amy scene._

**Infinite Love Play List**

Penny's Pasadena Brain Trust (as Wil Wheaton had dubbed them) was a society with a favor based economy. They used money… with outsiders, but internally it was all about favors, both given and received.

While Amy's car was being serviced (Sheldon told them so! He whined to Bernadette. It would have been the perfect gift. She told him to shut his pie hole.) Howard had agreed to take her to run some errands, in exchange, she would by him lunch and assist him with making Christmas a bigger splash than Hanukkah had turned out to be.

"I think she thought it would be more exciting." Howard groused over his lunch. "Eight nights of presents."

"Christmas is a little flashier." Amy conceded, "What did you get her."

"Mom bought her a menorah for first night and I made her a dreidel. You know, for night one, it is a family tradition. Then you play with it every night. She liked that, I painted in blue with little white hearts on it."

"Sweet. Thoughtful." Amy encouraged, with a smile. "I take it this is where the story takes a downward turn."

"Yes, with the traditional second night gift of socks."

"Does Bernadette wear socks?"

"No." Howard said, flatly.

"I see."

"Third night, traditional pencil set." Howard continued, as Amy winced. "It was a nice pencil set! It was mechanical! Anyway, fourth night, is underwear night. That should have gone better. I got a blue and silver bra and panty set."

"And she opened them in front of your mother?" Amy asked.

"What are you? A Psychic?" Howard frowned.

"No. I have just have a really strong sense of how this story is shaking out." Amy took a bit of her salad, "Night 5?"

"Israeli Candy night."

"Oh. Is Israeli Candy different?"

"Oh, yeah." Howard sighed, "I got her a cute gift basket, though. And she liked the Turkish Delight…"

"Because it was in Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?"

"Quit reading my damn mind!" Howard cried out, waving his napkin at her defensively. "Night 6: that is the night that we host my extended family. And the gift that night is a White Elephant."

"Is that traditional?" Amy asked, finally looking like she'd heard something she hadn't expected.

"In my family, it is. And honestly, by night 6, everybody is just thrilled to be mildly surprised. Even if you wind up with a Hello Kitty picture frame, at least, it's like, "Hey, I didn't see that one coming…"" he paused, "She enjoyed that. I think Gentiles do that kind of thing, right?"

"Oh yeah." Amy rolled her eyes upward. "How do you think I got my harp?"

"Night 7: we are really running on fumes. We give the gift of Hostess Snack cakes."

"That's sad."

"Yeah, I know. Mom thinks Little Debbie is an evil Shiska. I don't know what we are going to do next year." He stabbed his food with is fork. "And Bernadette is all like "Seriously?""

"Not good."

"No." Howard sighed.

"What happened last night?"

"The big gift." Howard said dryly.

"I am suddenly wishing we had this conversation last week. So I could have prevented what you are about to tell me from happening." Amy stated.

"You and me both, sister."

"Maybe it isn't that bad. You've given her sweet gifts before. She loves her star necklace and her laptop."

"I got her a closet organizer."

Amy hissed and threw her napkin in his face.

"Let me explain." Howard caught it, "You know we are sharing a closet? Well, we need to organize it…"

"I have no words."

"Neither did she." Howard said, pushing his food away.

"So clearly, you will need to step things up for Christmas." Amy folded her arms over her chest.

"How?" Howard pleaded, "She makes a buttload of money and she has no problem buying what she wants and needs… Help me! I've tired asking Penny and Raj, but they just want to throw money at the problem."

"The star necklace was a success because it was a thoughtful idea and because it was the right size. When she wears bigger jewelry she looks like a fancy 5 year old." Amy mused, clearly she was going to help. "She needs a new iPod. That second generation Nano is just sad."

"She got it when she was accepted to graduate school. Her grandfather took her to Target and told her to buy whatever she wanted."

"Which Grandpa?" Amy asked.

"Grandpa O'Conneran."

Amy laughed, "Let me put this into perspective. During the wedding planning, I took Grandpa OC to buy a type writer ribbon. And carbon paper. He will never know."

"But how is that better than a closet organizer? Howard asked, "If she wanted it, she'd buy it for herself."

"You aren't just giving her a top of the line iPod. You are also filling it with music." Amy smiled, dreamily.

Howard's eyes widened. "I'll need help." He stated, "You'll help me?"

"Make it really special." Amy became excited. "Have everyone in the circle, make up a ten song playlist! Along with the songs you pick…"

Howard stood up, kissed Amy on the forehead, "Next year. We have lunch before Hanukkah."


	4. The Christmas Condom Calculation

As always, I own nothing. But seriously, Bill, Chuck… Warners… You know I could write a better Xmas episode/ girls night than that thing you aired on Thursday. Call me.

**The Christmas Condom Calculation**

Trains did it for Sheldon.

Amy knew this to be true. She had used it to her advantage (Junior Conductor, taking the train to San Francisco over the summer for a family reunion to at last prove her boyfriend was not imaginary…), but she was stunned by his proposal for a winter getaway.

A winter getaway. Like normal people might do. Not like androids or Vulcans might do, like a regular boyfriend might do for the human female that was his girlfriend. As a treat. They flew into Chicago on Christmas Eve. She was becoming terribly excited.

Sure, the fact that they were going on a train meant he was still thinking mostly about himself. Also the fact that he had elected to spent $3001.00 on her exactly since Raj had spent 3000.00 was both petty and weird. But she was Sheldon Lee Cooper's girlfriend. Petty and weird were some of the qualities she most appreciated about him. And she was going to get to spend 4 days alone with him! On a train. And yes, they would be sleeping in bunk beds…

Still, Amy was hopeful. She might get a little more kissing, maybe Sheldon would make an attempt to slide into second. Beyond that, it wasn't worth thinking about.

Except for one thing. Sheldon was thinking about it.

That was all he was thinking about.

Sheldon sighed that dramatic sigh that made Leonard want to throw him out of the car. "What is it, Sheldon?" He asked, grinding his teeth.

"Nothing." He said, looking out the window. Pause. "Leonard, how would a person buy condoms?" he asked softly and quickly.

And Leonard crashed into the car in front of them.

Okay, he didn't. But he wanted to.

Leonard weighed his next statement carefully, he didn't want to scare Sheldon. "It is just like purchasing anything else at the drugstore. Or a person could purchase them online…"

"Which is the better option?" Sheldon seemed to be attempting to fuse his body with the car door.

"Well, if a person hadn't made this purchase before, but had done research as to what kind they might like to obtain, I think online would be less stressful." Leonard said, gently.

"How many should be purchased at one time? At what point does bulk become advisable?" Sheldon asked.

"A 12 pack would be sufficient for most people… Most women would think a person was a huge weirdo if they found his bulk supply of condoms."

"Thank you, Leonard." Sheldon said.

"May I ask a question?" Leonard inquired.

"If you feel you have no choice." Sheldon knew what was coming.

"Does this have anything to do with your Christmas Trip with Amy?"

"Can't a man ask a hypothetical question about prophylactics without your mind going into the gutter?" Sheldon huffed.

"Fine. Fine. Sorry I asked." Leonard smirked to himself as Sheldon made a mental note to do some more condom research.

As soon as they got home, Leonard discreetly made a beeline for Penny's door. When she opened, he was sporting his most annoying "I know something you don't know…" Cheshire cat grin.

As soon as he told her everything she grabbed her phone, "I have to warn Amy."

"No! Bad Penny!" Leonard grabbed Penny's phone. "You'll ruin Christmas!"

"She'll want to prepare!" Penny reasoned.

"So prepare her. Get her a Victoria's Secret gift certificate or take her to the spa, but don't spoil the surprise… And there is a huge chance he is just going to chicken out. If that happens, this way she can just enjoy the train ride without being disappointed."

Penny gritted her teeth. "I have to tell someone or my head will explode."

"Fine. Call Bernadette. Tell her." Leonard agreed.

And that was how everyone in their social group found out that Sheldon was going to buy condoms for his Christmas Train Trip with Amy.

The fact that no one said anything to him or Amy was a Christmas Miracle.

Sheldon's box of fun came in the mail on the morning of December 22. He'd spent most of the morning gloating about how the world hadn't ended on various websites, when it arrived. He'd raced into his room to inventory the contents of the boxes. He'd wound up ordering 15 different brands and types just so he could figure out the most suitable choice would be… If… if he needed one of these choices at some time in the future.

He wished he could ask Amy to help him sort through the options. She was highly methodical and had been amazingly helpful during the mouthwash research project in June. And she wasn't all judgy. But she would probably want to know why he was doing this.

"Because, Amy, ever since I kissed you for 5 seconds and then 25 seconds, every time I see you my underwear becomes a hub of inappropriate activity!"

"Because, Amy, at least twice a day I think of you and thus, I am unable to work at my white board because I cannot get close enough to it!"

It wasn't her fault, he reasoned. She wasn't even making him uncomfortable with her little experiments anymore.

Sheldon stopped sorting. Wait a second. Why wasn't she trying to make him uncomfortable anymore? She hadn't messed with his head in weeks. Did she not want to engage in coitus with him anymore?

What if Amy said no? She said no to kissing, no to funny business and no to co-sleeping. What if he whipped out his box of Magnum XL XXXtra Lubricated and she said no, thank you? Sheldon had never been sexually rejected before. How did a person deal with that? Perhaps he should call in the experts. Leonard, Howard and Raj were no strangers to the sting of being rebuffed by females.

Sheldon didn't want to bring this to them. Being rejected by Amy would be much worse than any rejection suffered by his cohorts and the faceless army of random bar goers that had rightfully shot down their awkward advances. Amy was already his. She knew everything about him and she still eagerly spent time with him, played games he'd created, created games for him, followed 62% of the relationship agreement to the letter… She'd been the perfect companion. And if he could convince her to allow him to actually use the condoms, she might be even more perfect.

Still, if she no longer wanted to have intercourse with him, it would be rude to pester her. There was only one thing to do, but Sheldon really didn't want to do it.

Knock, knock, knock "Penny." Knock, knock, knock "Penny." Knock, knock, knock "Penny."

The door swung open to reveal Amy smiling broadly, "Hey."

"Why are you here?" he asked.

"The Mayans were wrong. Penny is having a metaphysical crisis." She whispered, in the low tones associated with funerals. "She finally drank herself to sleep." Amy gathered her things and followed him into the hallway.

Suddenly, Sheldon turned around, "Amy, why aren't you experimenting on me anymore?"

Amy's eyes widened, then she looked down, "I don't know. I just didn't want to anymore."

"Why?" he stepped closer to her. She could see his shoes in her field of vision. "Do you still want to advance our relationship."

She looked into his eyes and nodded, "Yes." She bit her lip, "Sheldon, I don't understand. Do you want me to do more experiments on you?"

"Maybe. I am not sure. It's more I wanted to know why you stopped. If you stopped because you felt differently." He became aware how close they were standing. He reached out and touched her hair. She gazed up at him with devotion.

"Oh, Sheldon. I'll never feel differently. I don't think I could." She kissed him, gently. "Now, I have to go to the lab."

"On Saturday?" he asked.

"Yeah because I had to spend the day with Penny yesterday due to the end of the world and then my handsome boyfriend is whisking me away next week," she kissed him again, "I need to make sure none of the monkeys detox. I'll come by later. I should be able to think of some way to play with your brain while you do laundry."

As she walked down the stairs, it occurred to Sheldon that this might be an excellent time to find the right size condom in his collection.

The Chicago leg of the journey hadn't gotten things off to a magical start. There had been a snow storm, so they spent most of Christmas Eve in LAX reading doctorial dissertations that Amy would have to attend the defense and laughing their asses off. Sheldon was stressed by the delay, but was having a nice time mocking the ambitions of wannabes with Amy. After all, the train didn't leave Chicago until noon the next day…

And Sheldon's plans, such as they were, would take place on the train.

When they got to their hotel room, it was passed midnight. They barely got into their pajamas before falling into their bed. Their one bed. For both of them. To sleep in. Together.

Sheldon had been trying to create an expectation of bed sharing on this trip. If they were sharing a bed, he felt it gave him the element of surprise.

He wasn't sure why he needed the element of surprise. He just knew he needed it, okay? In the unlikely event that Amy claimed dibs on the top bunk, that would kind of bugger his 4 step Christmas Train Coitus Initiative.

Step one: Get her to agree to train trip. Rather easy.

Step two: Gather supplies related to coitus. Surprisingly difficult because no adequate list was available on the internet. Unless a person was a twisted pervert, in which case there were an amazing amount of resources.

Step Three: Try to make the moment special for her. He had read that was important for a woman's first time. Sheldon found trains highly romantic and he thought snow might also be considered so. He hoped those two things would set the mood. Because beyond a bed with pillows, he had no ideas…

Step Four: Ask. Engage. Express gratitude.

The next morning was extremely snowy. As their hotel was very close to the train station, they elected to walk. Sheldon was pleased he had insisted on bringing snow boots for both of them. He had his own from the Artic and Amy was able to borrow Howard's, since his feet were very tiny. They had taken turns bundling the other in scarves, hats and minutes. It got to the point, where vision was probably going to be impaired. Since Amy's glasses immediately froze up, Sheldon gallantly led her to the train.

So far Amy was having the best time. Sheldon was acting peculiar, but it was Sheldon. Not peculiar would have been more notable. She was a little curious about his willingness to share a bed with her, but she wasn't going to broach the issue. It was too wonderful to risk. He was making a real effort to not freak out about it, so she resolved to be a good bed citizen. She would keep to her side of the bed until (a very unlikely event) there was an invitation for migration.

The disembarkation had been very pleasant. They stowed their snowy things, and settled into their "bedroom". Amy teased him for the first few hours, that there was nothing to compare with a series of completely flat Iowa cornfields for winter beauty. "Wow. Flat. And white."

"Wait until we get to the mountains." Sheldon stated, seriously.

Amy smiled, "Now, now, I am not complaining. This is going to be fun."

He certainly hoped so.

When they returned to their compartment from the dining car, the porter had prepared the room for bedtime. There was a double bed on the bottom bunk and a single top bunk, that Sheldon was trying to destroy with his brain.

Amy ignored the bunk and ran to the window, "Quick turn off the lights," She said. "Look how pretty it is!"

The nearly full moon shone brightly in the cold, clear winter sky, its light reflecting of the fresh blanket of snow. This light illuminated the small compartment like silver candlelight.

Sheldon slowly turned her so she faced him. He reached over and took off her glasses, putting them on the small reading table. He moved methodically so as not to startle Amy and so he wouldn't panic. He pulled her closer and kissed her softly on her lips.

Meanwhile, Amy thought she might be hallucinating. Sheldon was kissing her, in this romantic room with the turned down bed and amazing moonlight. Like this was a thing that was possible. Testing reality, she slid her arms around his neck and slipped her tongue into his mouth. He responded by grabbing a handful of her hair and pulling her head back, so he could deepen the kiss. "Hoo." She whispered the proof of her arousal.

"Oh, thank God," he whispered back. He broke the kiss, but still held her close as he backed them up to sit on the bed. Keeping her close, he began to talk, "I would like to propose advancing our physical relationship."

"Okay," Amy was still breathless and with seconds of hooting again.

"I would like to request that we engage in…" he felt her fingers caress the back of his hand and he lost his train of thought for a second. "Would you like to engage in sexual intercourse with…"

"YES!"

"…me?" before he could speak again, she was in his lap, kissing him eagerly. He rolled them back so they were lying on the bed. "Wow that was easy." He sighed guiding her so she lay beneath him.

"Easy?" she giggled. She pulled back and raised an eyebrow.

"I thought it would be harder…" he clarified.

Amy's hand slipped between them stroking him through his pants, "It gets harder? Nice!"

"Behave." He said struggling to be stern while the pants party was turning into a fracking fiesta. "Be good."

"I don't have to be good, Cuddles. I am easy." She pulled him down for a sweet kiss, "So… how do we do this?"

Sheldon didn't want to get out of bed, but his coital kit was in the closet. Taking a deep breath, "Be right back."

As soon as he moved off her, Amy quickly got naked and under the covers. Something told her, they might need to skip some sensual steps this time. She felt like him trying to figure out how to remove her tights would not be a good use of sexy time.

She bit her lip and squealed quietly. She was having sexy time! With another person! With Sheldon! Amy blessed Penny for forcing her to get waxed again last week. She was silky smooth and completely healed.

The silvery moonlight wasn't providing quite enough light for Sheldon to liberate the appropriate condom box without dumping the rest of the items on the floor. With an impatient growl, he shoved everything back into the bag and resolved to just leave it open by the bed, in case they needed something.

He saw her bare shoulders, peaking up over the covers. He snapped. He threw the bag on the floor next to the bed and practically leapt on top of her. Pulling the covers down a little, he began to kiss the soft skin of her neck, shoulders and upper chest. "You started?" he said pouting.

"I just did the boring bits." She sighed, running her hands over his short hair and down his back. "If I'd have known about this, I'd have worn more exciting underwear."

"At this point, presume all underwear is exciting." He continued kissing her neck. His brain was both befuddled and moving quickly, shouting things like, _**She's naked… why aren't you?**_ His brain had a point. He moved off the bed and took off his clothes, feeling strangely not that embarrassed. Amy, very thoughtfully was prepping the bed by sliding over and moving pillows around as opposed to staring at him.

"There are a lot of variables." He said getting under the covers with her, "I am just not sure what some of them are."

"Me neither." She said, snuggling closer to him. They paused and stared into each other's eyes.

And they started giggling. Like crazy people.

"I bought 15 boxes of condoms!" Sheldon buried his face in her hair and laughed, "On Amazon!"

"We are completely naked!" Amy panted into his neck, choking.

Then she felt it. Something quite serious brushing against her thigh. Lifting the edge of the sheet, she peeked beneath the covers. Her giggling was over. "What should I do?"

"You need to relax, I think." He whispered. His mind went back to that book Leonard and Penny brought him. The chapter about foreplay speed through his eidetic memory. "Yes, we should definitely get you ready?"

Amy sighed softly, "I have pretty much been completely prepared since you spanked me that time."

"Bad girl." He smiled remembering the happy squeaks. And the whole vapor rub thing.

The vapor rub thing…

Pushing the covers off of them, he gazed down on her. She was bathed in moonlight. It was stupidly poetic, but she was. Her white skin glowed like silver.

Seeing him looking at her with such adoration, Amy reached up to cup his face in her hands. "What?" she asked, smiling.

"My brain froze." He said automatically. _Nice one, Cooper. Don't say any of the moonlight or silver crap you were thinking. No she might like it. Tell her your brain froze_.

She pushed herself up on her elbows. "I am nervous." She admitted, "I'd like to make a suggestion."

"Oh, God. Please. Please make a suggestion." Sheldon's head dropped on her shoulder.

She pulled his head up and kissed him deeply, "We do it, but we talk about something else while we do it. To distract ourselves."

"You mean we are over thinking it?" he asked, guiding her to lay back down. "That sounds like something we would do." Turning the brain off he began to rub imaginary vapor rub onto her breasts.

"Yes, baby, yes! Let's turn this into a conver-sensation." Amy sighed scratching his scalp with her nails, making him shiver with delight. He responded by leaning down and kissing her breasts, softly. "We watched the Clone Wars box set on Girls night." She cried out. "Anakin is an ass!" When he sucked her rosy nipple into his mouth, she cried out, "It makes sense he becomes Vader! Cuz he is an ass! Oh, God!" She grabbed his head and pulled his mouth to hers. She kissed him feverishly, reaching between their bodies and stroking his cock.

Panting, he pinned her hands over his head, "Condom time." He grabbed the condom he'd slipped under her pillow when he came back from the closet. "You do it." He gasped, "Please Princess, you put it on."

"Shhh," she soothed him, taking the package from his trembling hands, "What can you tell me about the history of condoms?"

"There are cave…" he panted, watching her struggle to open the wrapper, "Cave paintings from 15,000 years ago depicting their usage."

"I got it," She waved it victoriously. "Where were the cave paintings, baby?" She reached between them.

"France." He smirked, "No surprise there." He felt her grasp his cock in one and the other hand began to slide the… Good Lord! "The first recorded condom was made of linen!"

"Linen?" Amy asked, finally achieving her goal.

"It wasn't the first effective condom." He looked down, "Are we ready?" Amy nodded, vigorously, laying back and rolling her hips to what she hoped would be the correct angle.

He began to gently push inside of her, "I love you, Amy."

"I should hope so," she bit her lip, her eyes shining brightly in the moonlight. "I love you too."

"Hold that thought." He thrust himself all the way inside her. He felt distress, watching her clench her eyes shut, while turning her head away. "Amy, are you okay?"

"Yeah." She nodded, "You are huge, fella." She kissed him, deeply wrapping her legs around his waist.

"I know, I had to get the big size… things…" he gasped, moving inside her, losing his train of thought "Okay, no more talking. Brain stupid. Only say stuff, like… God you are tight, girl!" Amy nodded, and began moving with him.

As with most virgins, they probably weren't doing it completely correctly, but fuck correctly, this was working for both of them.

The imagery of a train going though at tunnel under fireworks, flashed across Sheldon's brain, as he heard Amy hooting like Hedwig with a wizarding message. "Okay!" he shouted as he came, "I'll do better next time!"

"It gets better than this?" she cried in pure delight, "Fascinating!"

They lay panting, gazing into each other's eyes, smiling. Suddenly, they spoke at the same moment.

"Best train trip ever."

_A/N: Okay, I got out some things like the hilarious but completely disgusting condom disposal summit. You are welcome._


	5. You Gotta Sleep Sometime

I own nothing, All belong to Chuck, Bill, Warners and the Tolkien estate_._

**You Gotta Sleep Sometime**

Sheldon really had not given much thought to what would happen after. Even during the highly embarrassing process of trying on 15 different types of Condoms (rendered more pleasant when he realized he needed the largest size), he assured himself his interest in prophylactics was only theoretical and he was only being prepared. They were, he told himself, for emergencies. Apparently Amy was now an emergency.

His emergency was lying on her stomach, resting her head on her hands, gazing out the window at the passing moonlit fields. He reached out and stroked her hair, "Come on, it is time to sleep."

Amy turned her head and smiled at him, "Do we have long day of activity planned for tomorrow?" she asked, "Cuz I thought we were just going to be looking out the windows and eating." She giggled as he pulled her away from the window and flipped her on her back. He put a pillow under her head and pulled the covers up.

"It just so happens we have a busy schedule." Sheldon said, lying next to her.

"Was this on the schedule?" She asked.

"Sort of." He hedged. "I had this time marked off as evening activities."

"Do we have any more activity time on the schedule?" he could hear her smiling.

"Yes."

"Sweet!" she suddenly kissed him on the lips, "Then I will clearly need to rest up. Good night." She rolled off him and began to pretend sleep with light snoring.

"Really sleep." He scolded, poking her.

"I can't really sleep if you poke me." Then she laughed, and muttered, "poked… hee hee."

"So you are not going to settle down."

"Probably not for a while." She began waving her hands over her face. "All your fault." She sang sweetly.

Sheldon bundled her into his arms and spooned behind her, "All right. I am going to tell you as story. Encounter at far point…"

"Wait!" Amy struggled a little, bargaining, "I'll be good!"

"Too late." He whispered. "The scene opens with…"

Try another tactic… "You could spank me," she purred, smiling over her shoulder.

"It is hardly a punishment since it seems you like it so much." He kissed her mouth, "besides, we need to save something for tomorrow."

"That sounds fun! I know what my punishment for having the post-coital fidgets should be. You should tell me what happened after I fell asleep when we saw the Hobbit…" Amy whispered back. He'd been threatening to do that since it happened. And she wouldn't have to hear him do the voice of Wesley Crusher, before Wil Wheaton's testicles descended and he became a little less girly.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"Wheels of cheese. So many wheels of cheese…" her voice was haunted.

"Fine we'll start from then…" Sheldon kissed her cheek and began to recount the all the hard core middle earth action in soft voice. She passed right out.

Now, he couldn't sleep.

Fantastic.

And he was holding a warm, naked Amy Farrah Fowler in his arms, so it wasn't like his brain had full access to the blood supply so he could perform his usual sleep routine.

Maybe he should wake her up. Maybe if they had a third round of intercourse he could sleep as well.

No. Absolutely not. Since he wished for co-sleeping to be a regular event (part of tomorrow's activities would be renegotiating areas of the relationship agreement.) it would be necessary to not piss her off. Also she looked sweet when she slept.

There was only one thing to do. Keep talking about the Hobbit. That would put anyone to sleep."

He began to sing…

"_Blunt the knives and bend the forks!  
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!  
Chip the glasses and crack the plates!  
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates –"_

Sheldon got to the third stanza and then he passed right out.

_A/N: I fall asleep at all Tolkien movies… Wow… two more movies… I hope we get more dwarf back story… _


End file.
